"Mankind deserves Yackerboom"
Aliens! Please be aware! Captain
Jean-Luc Picard is a fictional character, and not a computer generated
prediction that humanity is going to evolve into touchy-feely, politically
correct, wankers. Please, please, stop going around castrating bald headed
men in an attempt to break the breeding cycle. Trust the Board, if we see
any indication that your fears bear even the slightest chance of coming to pass,
California is toast!
An anomily has come to light. More people
believe in God that do in the Tooth Fairy, but the Tooth Fairy is making heaps
more money with a 95% markup on second hand baby teeth. The matter is
expected to go arbitration next month.
The Cloning Clinic today announced that they has
failed once again to clone Frankie Avalon. Apparently they just can't get
the pompadour right, and are still having trouble getting the hair grease
mixture up to speed. They are also concerned about the reliability of
some of their earlier clones. Their clone of George W Bush (the original
subject is still in hiding in Alabama) never worked to any reasonable standard,
and now requires 30,000 volts of electricity, administered per rectum, just to
do a five minute speech. The positronic brain never worked, the only
software he can run is the old Amiga Mini Golf programme, and he has been
operating through a radio shack tape deck inserted in his navel. How we
are expected to win the Clone Wars is beyond us. The bloody Sith are at
Aliens! Just because politicians and genocide
generals are not part of the human race, doesn't automatically qualify them as
aliens. Stop trying to sell memberships to them!
Jedi Knights, don't waste your time. The
thermal ports on this website are fully protected and, in any event, do not lead
to the main reactor. Also, the Imperial Stormtroopers patrolling the
website have been trained to accurately shoot and kill main characters as well
as bit actors. There are no red shirts here.
We recommend that our members steer clear of the
transporter rooms on this site. Some of them have been tampered with by
the CIA and lead directly to Eye-rack. The U.S. Military got to get their
numbers up somehow.
Semi transparent entities! Stop jumping out
in front of humans and yelling out "Please state the nature of the medical
emergency". Not funny! Also, aliens, if you see a large breasted
woman nearby, don't yell out "Look at the nacells on that one!" Dead
Data is no longer anatomically accurate, and would
appreciate anyone finding the missing bit to return it. It's length
is 2 to 4 centimetres, depending upon the ambient temperature.
Would those aliens who 'borrowed' Atlantis all
those years ago please return it. This planet's hippies need somewhere to
go and die. While we're on the subject, the Pillars Of Hercules would look
awful nice back where they belong. Oh, and Flat-earthers! Stop
feeding the damn turtle!
Aliens! Warning! If you are ill, DO NOT
go to Dr. McCoy! He really is a blacksmith, not a doctor!
Scotty's beaming has been a bit off, lately, so if
you'd rather not have your left leg growing out of your forehead, we suggest you
get the bus.
The Starship 'Political Correctness' is on it's way
back from the Delta Quadrant. As the Alpha Quadrant has been declared a
Captain Janeway Free Zone, you are authorised to bomb the crap out of
Our organisation still has a few temporal anomolies
available for hire. Those time loops are great when you activate them just
after great sex. We have also developed a sentient vibrator that remakes
the bed afterwards.
Tree-like entities, take note! You only have
to drop your leaves in autumn in the northern hemisphere. Drop them in the
south and you'll be firewood before you know it. Oh, and when the tree
huggers come on to you, don't hug them back. They end up with splinters in
some pretty weird places!
The Orang-Utangs of Sumatra, an endangered species,
have hired a regiment of Wookie Special Forces to take their place in the
rainforests. Should give those loggers a bit of hurry up.
Politicians and Neocons! We are the
Borg! You will be assimilated! We will add your distinctive lies and
chicanery to our own! Resistance is futile!
Sadists and Sociopaths! Too young to have
been an SS man? The
Lime Beer Liberation Army are hiring! We do things that Heinrich
Himmler would have found distasteful! Our main aim is to get the world's
children addicted to our verdant sludge, and get all their pocket money - two
main aims. After five years service, you will be regarded as a fully
fledged member of Neocondom, ready to become a laptop commando sending soldiers
off to die whilst you sit in your nice, safe office. Serve ten years, and
you qualify for the Christian Right, with a valid televangelist license.
Do the full twenty years, and you get to join the Fux Spews Chunder
Punditocracy, the dream of every utter bastard
Aliens are requested not to lower their shields if
they are not wearing underwear.
Double negatives rule, O.K.?
Those of you planning a vacation to the
Dagobar system this year, please keep a lookout for short arsed 800 years old
retired jedi masters. They are stealing spare parts again.
Incomplete their honesty is.
Duck Dodgers and Marvin the Martian are undertaking
a lecture tour again this year. The subject for discussion this time
around is "Cartoon Characters In Space And The Coriollis Effect - How To Make
Your Balls Hang Straight".
The poor jokes and bad puns on this website are now
fully armed and operational, so please do not read them aloud unless shielded by
a blast door. Neocons and religious righters! Read away!
shopping days until the Big Crunch. Don't leave things until the last
minute! You can't blame everything on the Bossa Nova, you know.
The electrical banana is reportedly looking forward
to being the very next phase, but still is not mad about saffron, even with the
wind velocity nil. Just remember the intergalactic laxative and everything
will be the colour of havana lake. And we thought that nobody loved
Eric Burdon and the New New New New New Animals
will be performing live here later this evening.
The Four Aces have reformed, but nobody is entirely
The Bay City Rollers have NOT reformed, and
everybody knows why.
A recent survey has shown that 98.75% of Klingons
working on this planet exclusively watch the Fux Spews
Chunder, and make up 99.9% of that organisations viewers. There are
currently eight Klingons working here, mostly in Eye-rack as Foreign
Another survey has shown that, of the over six
million different languages spoken by aliens working here, not one of those
languages has a word for Bill O'Reilly.
The blast marks on this website are so precise,
they could only have been made by friendly fire.
Unfortunately for you visitors, this website is far
too small to have a cloaking device.
Copyright (C) 2006-2008 Brian Brett. All rights
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