"I am always just a Yackerboom away"

E.T., one of the originals posted to this planet, is back here to work off his debt to Telecom Galactica.  Apparantly it cost several million buckazoids for him to phone home. He and Lt. Commander Susan 'Balls' Ivanova have opened up a Sacred Triangle dealership to keep locally stationed Mimbari supplied with all things religious.  They are also buying excess gibberish from the Whitehouse and selling it off to the Vorlon.

He might dress like one, he certainly talks like one, but Darth Vader is NOT a Jesuit!  Whatever you do, don't confess to him.

ADV:  Bored?  Lonely?  Not even expecting the Spanish Inquisition?  We can help!  Call Shit-Stirrers 'R' Us today!  We will arrange to have a 'terrorist manual' downloaded to your home computer!  You will have all the company you could ever want, and be in the running for a nice holiday in Cuba!  Call in the next 15 minutes and we will put you on a no-fly list for free!  But wait!  There's more!  Invite a friend along and we will throw in tandem waterboarding and even supply a soldier to point at your private parts*.  How can we do it, you ask?  It is an election year!

*all our private part pointers are licensed in their State or Territory of gestulation.

As a member of the development team that puts together this miserable website, I would like to apologise.  I have nothing to with the layout or content here, I am just the bloke who empties the ashtrays and makes sure nobody runs out of toilet paper, so I apologise most profusely about the full ashtrays, and your having to use your handkerchief around the general location of your nether regions.  The content has been lovelingly copied directly from the walls of some of the world's most notorious public lavatories, and includes the work of some of the greatest perverts ever to draw breath.  The commas are hand crafted and designed to avoid that slightly extended pause that can be oh, so annoying, during sentence reading.  We, ordered, too, many, commas, but, as, we, are, using, the, extras, in, this, sentence, you, are, quite, safe, for, the, rest, of, your,stay.  We would ask that, in these times of world shortages, where possible you bring your own verbs to this site.  Those who do, are invited to take a few nouns home with you, as we have an abundant supply.  We also ask that, during your visit, that you keep your spell checkers turned off, as they may interfere with the Webmaster's braincell, and cause him a great deal of embarassment.

Don't forget that it's Tusken Raiders Tuesday next week, so get those face wrappings out, people, and have a great day shooting at those damn noisy pod racers!  Invite a Jawa or two around to your place for a little scrap metal collecting, and perhaps throw a few onto the fire if it gets a little chilly.  Enjoy the traditional bantha fodder on toast, and try not to kidnap any dark lord's mothers.  May your Yackerbooms grow stronger and wider!

We welcome Ian, the invisible insectoid from Ickyicky III.  Nice to sort of see you Ian, it has been a long time since the good old days in the ladies changing rooms.  It's a shame my cloaking device failed and I got caught, it's amazing what a room full of indignant women can do with a pair of scissors, fried rice, used bus tickets, and some bad puns.  Still, you got away, and you have the photographs, all with you not being seen in the background pulling faces.  I just love your impersonation of inverted commas!  So lifelike!  And that Yackerboom!  Wow!  Just like a Zotl, only crunchy!

The Campari, a race of sentient dung beetles, have set up house on this planet, stating that nowhere else in the known universe is there so much shit lying about ready for the taking.  It seems that the local population have been enduring so much shit from the politicians for so long, that it just sort of bounces off them.  The shit is distributed across the planet, with the largest concentration around government offices and media outlets.  The pile around the Fux Spews Chunder - we distort, you deride - is large enough to sustain the Campari for the life of the universe, and then some.  They stated that all praises be due to the Yackerboom, may he never have to endure another Die Hard movie.

The Galactic Federation Of Super Heroes are holding their annual conference next week in the United States, the only place in the known universe where they are believed in.  It is thought that The Most Holy Self-Abuser himself, the Superwanker, will be the keynote speaker.  One of the key issues this year is the lack of adequate identity changing room within the modern telephone booth, which leads, more often than not, to the exposure of private parts, with the accompanying laughter and embarassment.  Another important matter is the subject of secret identity maintenance and protection, with the Department Of Homeland Security sticking it's nose into everything.  It appears that those members wishing to remove the mild mannerness requirements from secret identity registration, may have the numbers this year to force an amendment through on this issue.

With the Time Of Yackerboom nearly upon us again, it is good to see Robert Mugabe back in the saddle, starving a little sense into the citizens of Zimbabwe, not counting members of the Mugabe Jugend.  He is doing very well for a Hitler clone, although it's about time the Cloning Council fixed up that paint job of his.  Good luck with the plan, Robert, although it remains to be seen how a landlocked country in southern Africa can annexe the Sudetenland and invade Poland!  Perhaps Summa Bed Linen and his A1-Kinda Fighters can help out, they have some 'war veterans' that have actually been in a war!

The Pissweak, a race of sentient urine samples, are back in town, just in time for the next Olympic Games, a.k.a. The Battle Of The Chemists.  This year their leader, Kemi Cal M'Asker, plans to invest in insulin futures, then have every drug test at the Games come back diabetes positive.  Anything for a laugh with you guys, eh?  Why not have them come back positive with sexually transmitted diseases  instead?  Oh, I see, that is normal, even with the women!

Our favourite Zimbabwefuhrer, Robert Mugabe, today announced the arrest of the 50+% of the population that didn't vote for him in the recent pseudo elections, charging them with 'Reckless Endangerment To His Secret Bank Accounts', 'Placing Military Lapdogs At Risk Of Imprisonment Or Having To Get A Real Job', and 'Failing To Leave For South Africa Whilst They Still Had The Chance'.  He stated that he was too busy to have them all shot because, not only does his military have only 50 rounds of ammo between them, but also he was too busy getting the ballot boxes rigged for the coming runoff election.  He had considered letting them starve to death, but then realised that most of his country's citizens had developed an immunity to starvation.

Copyright (C) 2006-2008 Brian Brett.  All rights reserved.

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