| "I am always just a Yackerboom away"

E.T., one of the originals posted to this planet,
is back here to work off his debt to Telecom Galactica. Apparantly it cost
several million buckazoids for him to phone home. He and Lt. Commander Susan
'Balls' Ivanova have opened up a Sacred Triangle dealership to keep locally
stationed Mimbari supplied with all things religious. They are also buying
excess gibberish from the Whitehouse and selling it off to the
Vorlon.
He might dress like one, he certainly talks like
one, but Darth Vader is NOT a Jesuit! Whatever you do, don't confess to
him.
ADV: Bored? Lonely? Not even
expecting the Spanish Inquisition? We can help! Call Shit-Stirrers
'R' Us today! We will arrange to have a 'terrorist manual' downloaded to
your home computer! You will have all the company you could ever want, and
be in the running for a nice holiday in Cuba! Call in the next 15 minutes
and we will put you on a no-fly list for free! But wait! There's
more! Invite a friend along and we will throw in tandem waterboarding and
even supply a soldier to point at your private parts*. How can we do it,
you ask? It is an election year!
*all our private part pointers are licensed in
their State or Territory of gestulation.

As a member of the development team that puts
together this miserable website, I would like to apologise. I have nothing
to with the layout or content here, I am just the bloke who empties the ashtrays
and makes sure nobody runs out of toilet paper, so I apologise most profusely
about the full ashtrays, and your having to use your handkerchief around the
general location of your nether regions. The content has been lovelingly
copied directly from the walls of some of the world's most notorious public
lavatories, and includes the work of some of the greatest perverts ever to draw
breath. The commas are hand crafted and designed to avoid that slightly
extended pause that can be oh, so annoying, during sentence reading. We,
ordered, too, many, commas, but, as, we, are, using, the, extras, in, this,
sentence, you, are, quite, safe, for, the, rest, of, your,stay. We would
ask that, in these times of world shortages, where possible you bring your own
verbs to this site. Those who do, are invited to take a few nouns home
with you, as we have an abundant supply. We also ask that, during your
visit, that you keep your spell checkers turned off, as they may interfere with
the Webmaster's braincell, and cause him a great deal of
embarassment.

Don't forget that it's Tusken Raiders Tuesday next
week, so get those face wrappings out, people, and have a great day
shooting at those damn noisy pod racers! Invite a Jawa or two around
to your place for a little scrap metal collecting, and perhaps throw a few onto
the fire if it gets a little chilly. Enjoy the traditional bantha fodder
on toast, and try not to kidnap any dark lord's mothers. May your
Yackerbooms grow stronger and wider!
We welcome Ian, the invisible insectoid from
Ickyicky III. Nice to sort of see you Ian, it has been a long time since
the good old days in the ladies changing rooms. It's a shame my cloaking
device failed and I got caught, it's amazing what a room full of indignant women
can do with a pair of scissors, fried rice, used bus tickets, and some bad
puns. Still, you got away, and you have the photographs, all with you not
being seen in the background pulling faces. I just love your impersonation
of inverted commas! So lifelike! And that Yackerboom!
Wow! Just like a Zotl, only crunchy!

The Campari, a race of sentient dung beetles, have
set up house on this planet, stating that nowhere else in the known universe is
there so much shit lying about ready for the taking. It seems that the
local population have been enduring so much shit from the politicians for so
long, that it just sort of bounces off them. The shit is distributed
across the planet, with the largest concentration around government offices and
media outlets. The pile around the Fux Spews Chunder - we distort, you
deride - is large enough to sustain the Campari for the life of the universe,
and then some. They stated that all praises be due to the Yackerboom, may
he never have to endure another Die Hard movie.
The Galactic Federation Of Super Heroes are
holding their annual conference next week in the United States, the only place
in the known universe where they are believed in. It is thought that
The Most Holy Self-Abuser himself, the Superwanker, will be the keynote speaker. One of the key
issues this year is the lack of adequate identity changing room within the
modern telephone booth, which leads, more often than not, to the exposure of
private parts, with the accompanying laughter and embarassment. Another
important matter is the subject of secret identity maintenance and
protection, with the Department Of Homeland Security sticking it's nose into
everything. It appears that those members wishing to remove the mild
mannerness requirements from secret identity registration, may have the numbers
this year to force an amendment through on this issue.

With the Time Of Yackerboom nearly upon us again,
it is good to see Robert Mugabe back in the saddle, starving a little sense into
the citizens of Zimbabwe, not counting members of the Mugabe Jugend. He is
doing very well for a Hitler clone, although it's about time the Cloning Council
fixed up that paint job of his. Good luck with the plan, Robert, although
it remains to be seen how a landlocked country in southern Africa can annexe the
Sudetenland and invade Poland! Perhaps Summa Bed Linen and his A1-Kinda
Fighters can help out, they have some 'war veterans' that have actually
been in a war!

The Pissweak, a race of sentient urine samples, are
back in town, just in time for the next Olympic Games, a.k.a. The Battle Of The
Chemists. This year their leader, Kemi Cal M'Asker, plans to invest in
insulin futures, then have every drug test at the Games come back diabetes
positive. Anything for a laugh with you guys, eh? Why not have them
come back positive with sexually transmitted diseases instead? Oh, I
see, that is normal, even with the women!

Our favourite Zimbabwefuhrer, Robert Mugabe, today
announced the arrest of the 50+% of the population that didn't vote for him in
the recent pseudo elections, charging them with 'Reckless Endangerment To His
Secret Bank Accounts', 'Placing Military Lapdogs At Risk Of Imprisonment Or
Having To Get A Real Job', and 'Failing To Leave For South Africa Whilst They
Still Had The Chance'. He stated that he was too busy to have them all
shot because, not only does his military have only 50 rounds of ammo between
them, but also he was too busy getting the ballot boxes rigged for the coming
runoff election. He had considered letting them starve to death, but then
realised that most of his country's citizens had developed an immunity to
starvation.

Copyright (C) 2006-2008 Brian Brett. All rights
reserved.
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