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Imperial Diatribe

Ben Dover

"Me and you and our Yackerboom"










O Yackerboom, O Yackerboom


The storm before the calm


We often wonder how and why


There's hair upon your palm









A beginning is a very delicate time


Know then that it is the year two thousand and nine


The known universe is ruled by His Wankership, The Yackerboom


My father


Uncle, cousin, brother, grandfather, and possibly sister


The most precious thing in the universe is a fart


Farting expands sphincters


Farting extends turds


Farting causes the greenhouse effect


Farting creates politicians


Who have mutated over thousands of years


The fart is found on only one planet in the  known universe


A silly, desolate, smelly planet called Earth


Also known as...........Neocondom






As spoken by The Holy Webmaster during his Sermon On The Anthill in the Year Of Our Yackerboom, 666.
























"If you are thinking of changing your Deity, you can't get better than my old chum Yackerboom" - Baal (ret'd)


"If you are going to  have a God before me, Yackerboom is the ideal choice" - J.C.


"The Yackerboom is the God that will get top dollar for your soul, or double your money back" - Satan


"At last, a God who approves of my sanctions against Iraq" - Madeleine 'Notat' Albright


"Thank heavens idolatry is back!  It has been a very lean couple of millennia.  This guy loves his statues" - Federated Statue, Lucky Charm, Miscellaneous Idolatry Supporters, and Graven Image Makers Guild


"Just in time!  Peace was about to break out" - Various Genocide Generals


"It depends what you mean by worship" - Bill Clinton, War Criminal (ret'd)


"The Yackerboom's Heaven is ten times worse than Hell!  You can't lose!  It's party time!" - Dante


"My role model" - Josef Stalin


"Mine too" - Adolph Hitler


"Taught me everything I don't know, which is everything" - George Dubberyar Bush, War Criminal (ret'd too late), and Chief Of Recruitment, Al Qaeda


"The patron saint of us liars" - Tony Blair, War Criminal and Combat Catholic


"Takes care of us runners and hiders" - Summa Bed Linen















Welcome to the Earthly Abode of His Wankership, Lord Yackerboom, the best God that money can buy.  If you are into sex, drugs, and rock and roll, instead of all that fasting, kneeling, and praising stuff, then He is your Deity.  Together with his Chief Profit, The Most Regurgitated and Unpunctual Holy Webmaster, his driver and bag man, The Most Bolshevik and Bent  Hooded Terror, and sundry Dark Lords and  Grand Moffs, he walks amongst us, to protect us from eternal damnation and televangelists, but mainly, in hope of getting a little nookie.


Has your God left the universe in disgust?  Try one of ours!















And it came to pass that the misbegotten was begat, and the Yackerboom did cry out, that it was party time.  And he gathered unto himself the others of His Unholy Trinity, the Holy Webmaster and The Hooded Terror, and together they went from that place unto another place.  And he saw that it was all good, except for one bit that was full of rare, exotic, and endangered species.  And killeth he they, and built upon their graves a McDonalds outlet, so that all may enjoy the plastic hamburgers and freedom fries.





















All religions have rules.  Some of the popular ones have ten or so, which makes it hard to cover everything, and leaves loopholes so big that even King George the Dubberyar, Heir Apparant to the Pissant Throne, can find them.  Not wishing to give lawyers any room to move, and also to keep His bureaucracy and secret police busy, He has come up with the following regulations.





1. Covet everything.  Thou never know when thou might get lucky.


2. Thou shalt never log in as root.


3. Thou shall not tip.


4.  Honour thy Canada and thy Mexico, that they may sheltereth thee in the times of the draft.


5.  Thy will be done.  Never die intestate.


6. Thou shalt not steal what thou cannot pawn.


7. Learn thy Fabian songbook by rote, for the tone deaf shalt inherit the Earth.


8. Eat not the juice of the curry, for toilet rolls have feelings also.


9. Repealed - the Dodo is extinct.


10. When thou doth pray to Holy Yackerboom, thou shalt NOT reverse the charges.


11. Ask not how to get into His good graces, rather, how HE can get into your pants.


12. Thou shalt honour, and lust after, Annette Funicello, at every waking moment.


13. Thou shalt gather together all prostitutes, and subjecteth them all to penile servitude.


14. Thou shalt change as many regimes as thou canst, for the greater glory of The Yackerboom and the oil corporations.


15. Thou shalt only bear false witness if thou art running for political office.


16. Repealed - Satan doesn't care anymore.
































































































































































































































Aliens from super-dense planets.  The low gravity on this planet is YOUR responsibility!  Do not complain to us about your undescended testicles!  If they don't drop, try jumping up and down, but DO NOT COMPLAIN TO US!




Copyright (C) 2006-2008 Brian Brett.  All rights reserved.


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